Inner Thoughts And Workings
by TraceAce
Summary: Take a peek inside journals of various wrestlers as life happens...you'd be surprised what you'd find out!


**Inner Thoughts And Workings**

By TraceAce

**-Edge-**

**A/N:** Okay, I'm going to explain this as simply as possible. I decided a long time ago to make a short story collection with journal entries of wrestlers regarding storylines of the shows. Finally I decided to work on it, and here's the first entry – by Edge, spoilers from September 12th, 2002. If you don't like the Edge/Steph pairing, I suggest you skip over this one, as it is heavily that coupling. As for the other journals…we'll see as it comes. I have a couple in mind, so we'll see. ^^ As for the italics…they are basically flashbacks of what the person is describing, moments that were important with their topic of writing. Now with that settled…without further adieu…enjoy reading this if you are, and if you're not…thanks anyway. ^^

**Disclaimer:** I don't pretend to own anyone but my own damn self. And I'm only worth about a quarter, so suing me is just going to waste YOUR money.

~~

**Dear Journal,**

                The wedding was the most talked about that night. Everyone – from Funaki to even Brock (who I had seen listening in to Rico yelling at some random person. Do I dare say he was even amused by it?) couldn't seem to really get off the topic. So, naturally, I was pretty interested too. The whole thing was crazy, and, not that I really mind, the fact that it was a gay wedding seriously added to the insanity. It was bad enough when a 'normal' couple got married in the ring, but…well, it obviously got ten times more attention. Not to say the LAST wedding like this was any less insane…

                And –I- should know, because I was apart of it.  As menial as my job was, I remember it all vividly. This fact aside, I couldn't help but be surprised that Stephanie was suddenly apart of the wedding. I had this uncanny ability of being at a TV at the right time when it came to her, and saw her dealing with Rico in her usual calm fashion. She was really pretty – a thought I have been keeping heavily guarded for a bit now. I didn't feel like having people find out I find her…slightly attractive. Alright, so that was an understatement…but either way, it wasn't as if I could do anything. She was my boss, plus the fact that she was a McMahon…and this semi-crush was something I was working on getting over, if that isn't obvious.

                Even before I decided to notice her as anything of –that- nature, I came to the one decision that she had to have some bi-polar condition. I remembered all the times she was a complete bitch to me – but now…well, no bitchiness present. She was actually pleasant to be around, and she knew how to stand her ground. Most people would cower if some of the wrestlers that had gotten in her face did it to them…but she wouldn't even flinch. Hell, the quality even seemed to have gained her some respect from Benoit, who seemed to be getting used to the fact she didn't cave in like he wanted her to.

                But back on the wedding. I was sitting with Cena and Rey, both of whom were sort of like the replacement of Christian to me, at least friendship wise. I had gone far too long having no back up or someone to back up. They were both new to the business, and took to each other and me because all of a sudden, we were having a fine time on our downtime playing cards or anything, really, that was of entertainment value. I had made it a requirement that we have the TV on in the room (which happened to be Rey's, if you were wondering).

_                "Man, why do we need to watch this crap?" Rey blew out a sigh. Both instantly looked in my direction._

_                "What?" I asked, feigning innocence. "Come on, how could you not want to see this classic moment?"_

_                "Two dudes are getting married, Edge. It might have been amazing in the 50s, but it's pretty commonplace now." Cena pointed out placidly._

_                "It's not that common." Rey spoke up. "But I have to agree…you're making it out to be some stellar event that will change everything."_

_                "But it's happening on Smackdown!" I insisted. "Which means we're supposed to watch by default. Where's your team spirit?"_

_                "Team spirit?" John asked, raising a brow. "What, and would you like us to get pom poms next? Maybe do a…hey…oh, I get it now."_

_                "What?" Rey followed John's gaze, and he also adopted a knowing grin._

_                "…What are you guys grinning at?" _

_                "How funny Stephanie happens to be apart of this…" John trailed off, gaining a snicker from the shorter wrestler beside him._

                On a side-note, by the way, Cena and Rey have grown increasingly suspicious of my motives of speaking to Stephanie so much. Nosey bastards. I promised myself that I would grab the first chance I have to find and use blackmail so as to shut them up. I think I'll retract any sort of nice comments I made about their influence. Hide your children from them. Anyway…so I gave them a stern glare, as to tell them to shut the hell up, coining a phrase from that other blonde Canadian. They both just laughed, and I didn't blame them but I still tried to look heated. Am I the only one that finds the fact that these are the only decent people around to talk to just a LITTLE bit sad?

                I just brushed their laughs off. I didn't have to take that! I could kick their asses! Well, okay, maybe not, but it's nice to make myself sound big and bad. Kind of like Brock but without the lack of neck. And with more hair. Definitely more hair. I am not loving his crew cut.  (Note to self: Never let him see this…I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate me making fun of him. He could pick me up by my head and throw me like a rag doll, which wouldn't be very fun.)

_                "Are they singing that 'raining men' song?" Rey asked, sounding very disturbed._

_                "What gave you that hint?" Cena rolled his eyes, placing his cards on the table. The game was over with obviously; we were all staring at the TV. "Maybe because they keep repeating that phrase?"_

_                "Well, it fits their relationship perfectly." I offered._

                As the result of that night, the already scary song that was used for Billy and Chuck's entrance has now become more disturbing. It's possible. We all stared, transfixed. I couldn't help but notice how uncomfortable Stephanie looked. Poor girl. Must have brought up some fucked up memories of her first wedding and her little attempt at renewing of the vows. Either way…I think Rico should join in the marriage. Mostly considering the fact he is definitely the most zealous of the trio about the spectacle. Chuck and Billy both seem kind of…normal, yet I could swear I saw glints of nervousness. Did you ever get hit with a sudden bad feeling?

                I did once I saw that old peace guy. Seemed kind of seedy. You know, for a decrepit hunchbacked man.  I have learned never to count old people out because they still use the universal weapon of their age – canes. And they're not very nice feeling. His voice proved worse then his looks. I was about to start taking bets on how long it'd take for him to keel over. I remember thinking that Rico really sucked at planning this thing. 

_                "People are booing like crazy." Cena stated the obvious. "That ain't cool."_

_                "'Least should have some respect." I agreed._ They were trying to play it off, obviously, with their actions. _"…But what can you say?"_

_                "I say check out who's coming out."_

                Rey's voice seemed to jar me out of some thought pattern or something, and when my eyes focused on the screen, there was the Godfather. Yes, now if a gay wedding wasn't odd enough, now it was a gay wedding with hos and a pimp. For some odd reason I came to the conclusion such an intrusion would give Rico a heart attack. Which it did about a second later when he got all huffy. But Godfather just wanted to turn Billy and Chuck into straight men, or something. By pretty much pointing out that they were skirt chasers in their past years. Maybe they were chasing skirts because they wanted to wear them…okay, I'll stop being mean. Either way, if you ask me, they were considering what Godfather's little speech but Rico, ever the pusher of the wedding, shooed them off before Godfather planted evil straight thoughts into his little buddies' heads.

                And once the gaggle of hos (Wonder if that's the right group name for them?) slinked off to have their polygamous fun with Godfather, the wedding just kept going. But Chuck and Billy didn't seem to be very happy about it anymore. They had seen the promise land (skanky hos equals the promised land, apparently), and they missed it.

_                "They're going to do the 'I do's now." Rey laughed. "This is great."_

_                "Hey, check it out, they both look kind of…freaked out looking? You think Godfather got to them?" Cena pondered._

                "If the Godfather was the one who put them back into their so-called sense, this wedding has gone to a whole new low." I mused. All three of us laughed instantly at the thought. Then we stopped when Billy and Chuck started flipping out. It was a attention grabber, and Rico instantly got pissed. He was acting as though he was the ring leader of the ploy for attention. And he was hopping mad. All I remember was the fact I got that feeling back, especially when the old man started to go into some weird ramble. My face mirrored poor Stephanie's, who was stuck in the middle of the nightmare unfolding and looked completely confused.

                Three. Minutes.

_                "What's up with the…**shit!**"_

                In an almost comical motion, all three of us jumped up as that old guy became a little more familiar. Three minutes…

_                "**Rosie and Jamal!**" Rey almost yelled, confirming the fact that we all knew what those two words meant._

_                "They need back-up."_

                That was all they needed. Instantly following me as I sprinted in front of them. I didn't know what I'd do if they got to her before I got there. I already knew they probably did, but the thought really was pushed in the back of my mind. It wouldn't help if I started panicking. I didn't care if I looked like I liked her – this was too dangerous to sit back and do nothing. I noted that our little saving group went from three to more. Seemed like other people also had the incentive to save her.

                When I got out, I paused just a moment when I realized she was not standing. You know, most people don't know when they snap…just kind of happens. But with me…I felt it. I felt all this anger well up and I fed off it, running with speed that I never remember matching before. I didn't even care about the fact that Jamal and Rosie could so easily kick my ass, I just knew I'd fight until they killed me. The three RAWers and Rico saw me coming with Cena and Rey and instantly took off. I left Cena and Rey almost in the dust, being the only one who actually got a few shots in. I didn't even realize how much my legs hurt as I chased them all into the parking lot. Nearly would have chased them in their stupid limo if Rey, who got there first after me, hadn't stopped me.

                If I were in a sane mind at that moment, the hilarity of the moment would have hit me. Rey Mysterio Jr., who was obviously shorter then me, was actually trying to hold me back.

_                "Edge, Edge man! Let it go! They're gone!"_

                I ripped my arm from his grip but stopped when I knew it was too late.  All I heard was my rapid heartbeat. I knew Rey and Cena were talking to me, but I don't think I heard them. In a final fit of rage, I took my fist and slammed it into an innocently placed car nearby, my fist shattering the window with a loud smash. The car didn't have a chance, and neither did my fist as the cuts that the glass sliced started oozing blood.

_                "Fuck!" I heard myself growl, and I cradled my hand as the pain finally shot up. I turned to see both men actually take a step back from me. They both sort of stared at me in utter shock._ Not that I really blamed them, because when –I- snapped out of it, I could hardly believe it myself.

_                "A-are you okay?" Rey asked, sounding cautious._ I noticed a large black and blue forming on his arm, and I wondered if I had caused that when I had gripped it to pull him off me. I hadn't meant to do that if that was the case, and instantly felt sort of bad for taking anything out on anyone but the ones we were chasing.

_                "Edge, man, your hand is bleeding like crazy. We have to get that checked…" Cena trailed off._

_                "I…think so." I answered quietly. "Fuck, I failed her."_

                Didn't take a genius to figure out whom I was talking about.

_                "I should have seen through it…I should have…" I paused, growing quiet. "I'm going to go see her."_

I didn't actually mean to just LEAVE them, like I did. I was a little preoccupied with the damage Stephanie received…in my head. In truth, I didn't know shit about her condition, or even what happened to her. For all I knew, she might have just gotten pushed and fell. I could say that now – but then, she was broken in three and dying of internal bleeding and destroyed ribs. It didn't help I heard approaching medical ambulances. It took me no more then 3 minutes to find her, put in a stretcher, all unconscious like…and they weren't hurrying! She could have been dying! She could have been…I didn't know then…something! Something was always worse then the straight facts, especially with MY imagination.

                While most wrestlers were quite happy that she was basically being taken cared of, I was not satisfied. Chewed out the medics as they loaded her, gaining hard glares from them. I didn't care. I had a right to be worried about her! 

_                "She's fine, sir." One spoke._

_                "She's not awake, I'm pretty sure that's life-threatening!"_

                I didn't understand why they wouldn't let me ride with her. They made this bullshit excuse that I might get in their way. The nerve! And I really couldn't do much to stop them either, because the more I messed around, the more time she'd have to get to the hospital. So I stood and watched them leave. This was about the time Rey decided to join me in watching it leave. I noticed him tilting his head and letting a slight 'hmm' sound out.

_                "Hope she's okay."_

_                I turned to him. If I wasn't allowed to go WITH her…"Rey, do you have a car?"_

_                "Yeah, w—"_

_                I grabbed his shoulders, but not really forcefully. He gave a little jump nonetheless._

_                "GIVE ME IT."_

_                "D-Damn…!" he gaped. "Here, man, take it." He produced the keys, plopping them into my outstretched hand. "It's the white crappy Sedan at the end. Rentals really suck."_

                I didn't hear him past 'Sedan'. I just nodded and left without saying goodbye, though I think he was used to THAT by then. After I grabbed my stuff, I took the car and sped off, at a quick speed that might have gotten me a fine if I were caught. Damn speeding laws. When I got there, I made one of those dramatic entrances that looking back on I was quite proud about it. It was an movie-worthy moment. I marched right up to the lady at the desk, who seemed to be visibly disturbed that I was so tall that I almost bumped my head in the little groove in the ceiling that apparently was the ceiling to the area where the woman was sitting. I never really thought of myself as intimidating, you know. I thought the tall factor was kind of elevated as a problem the minute I decided to grow my BLONDE hair out. But here this lady was, quaking in my presence. If I weren't in a serious mood at that moment, I probably would have screamed 'Boo!' and scared the shit out of her.

_                "I'm here about Stephanie McMahon." I said, leaning down to give one of my smiles in hopes to suck up. I knew most of the time it was only family allowed to check up on patients this early. The smile did not reassure the petite woman, though, as she visibly seemed to inch back a little bit, as if I was going to bite her head off. I let it slide._

_                "Stephanie McMahon?" she asked, sounding calm despite her actions. She shifted through the paperwork on the desk, peering at each in a slow fashion that made me want to grab her and shake her and tell her to hurry up. But, after thinking a moment about that, I came to the conclusion that that would not help my case in showing I wasn't going to break her in half. So I just patiently – well, outwardly anyway, and soon she came across the file apparently because she stopped and started REALLY scanning it._

_                "It says here Miss McMahon is being checked on right now." The woman answered. "You're…a relative of Miss McMahon?"_

_                "Uh...yes, actually." I lied through my teeth. "…I'm her…brother, Shane."_

_                She peered right at me, and I flashed another smile in hopes of not looking suspicious. "You look nothing like her."_

_                "…Genes sure can be crazy, huh?" I offered. She stared at me a moment, sighed, and shrugged._

_                "I'll tell the doctor you're here. If you don't mind, please sit in the waiting room."_

Waiting room. Where I had to sit and wait. What a stupid concept, though I guess it made sense. Sat there like a dumbass, while little kids skipped around and a couple of people sat all anxiously in their seats. Yeah, the area sure was fun. I was given papers to write up for her, which was kind of weird and I was just quietly glad I knew most of her stats off the top of my head. I was good with stuff like that – especially birthdays. I know almost everyone's birthday. Anyway, after a half hour, I was about to take the kids and tie them all to chairs and to scream bloody murder at all the depressed people around me. Talk about a way to bring my already crappy mood down. I was so caught up that I didn't hear my…ahem…name.

_                "Shane?" the doctor repeated. I looked up. I was Shane! Had to keep reminding myself that._

_                "That's me. Sorry." I stood, feeling uncomfortable with all the leering eyes. The doctor motioned me to follow, and I did, glad to be rid of the horrid room._

_                "Are you done with the form?" he asked, motioning toward the clipboard. I just nodded, handing it over. He looked it over quick, then continued walking._

_                "How is she?" I asked._

_                "Just fine, actually." He turned and looked at me. "She just sustained minor whiplash. The bump knocked her unconscious, but she woke up a couple seconds ago._

_                "She's awake?" I sounded unbelieving because I really was. How could she be okay? "…And she's fine."_

_                "She's fine." He repeated, confirming it. "Ah, here's her room. Would you like some time alone with her?"_

_                "If possible, yes." I answered. I was hoping the doctor would just…go away, but he didn't. No, he opened the door for me and announced my arrival, which made me inwardly cringe. It was possible that problems could have aroused from it._

_                "Your brother is here, Miss McMahon." He explained to her lying down form. I saw her face instantly darken into a confused look, seeming perplexed at this new development. I was pretty much forced to show my face, and she seemed even more bewildered._

_                "Edge…?"_

_                I just kept thinking the word 'fuck' over and over again. The doctor looked at me, confused now too._

_                "Edge?" he asked. "Aren't you Shane?"_

_                I didn't know how to answer this, but luckily Stephanie caught on quick. "Oh, I'm sorry, that's my uh…nickname for him. Yeah. Let him in, please."_

_                So I was in. The doctor just shut the door behind me without any more questioning. Now that I was finally there, I came to the realization that my mind had gone blank and the English language had left my memory._

_                "My brother, huh?" she asked after a momentary lapse of no talking. I gave a nervous laugh, because I realized how crazy I had been. "You're lucky I didn't suffer memory loss, you could have confused the hell out of me."_

She looked fine. Really fine. Didn't act hurt or anything. And she seemed…happy to see me? That made –me- happy, no doubt. She could have shunned me from the room and possibly have me arrested for impersonating her brother, but she didn't. Instead, she motioned for me to sit in the seat that was in her room. I grabbed it and pulled it nearer to her bed, then sat myself down. Now that I saw her okay, relief flooded over me, but the guilt really didn't go so quick.

_                "What brings you around here?"_

_                "Are you okay?"_

_                She flashed me a half-hearted smile. "Bisch got one over me today." She blew out a long sigh. "Oh well, fuck him. What are you doing here? I'm flattered but…"_

_                "I saw you get hurt and…I had to make sure you were okay." I explained. "I'm so sorry I didn't get out earlier…I…"_

_                Stephanie seemed surprised at my outburst, and so did I, frankly. There went my idea of hiding my feelings. She gave me a puzzled, cautious smile. "Why, you know about that think earlier?"_

_                "No but…"_

_                "I'll get him back eventually." She waved a hand. I smiled. Stephanie really did know how to look on the bright side. "…And frankly, Edge, I'm surprised you're here. I mean, it's nice and all but…all that effort?"_

_                "I…can leave if you want."_

_                "No!" she instantly said. I stopped mid-standing and plopped right back down. She seemed instantly sheepish. "I mean…uh, well, this place is scary as hell. I'm right in the middle of the route they take sometimes to get to the E.R. Two people have passed by screaming about their pain. I feel better that you're here."_

_                She did something that nearly made me jump out of my skin, mostly out of shock. My hand had been placed on her bed a bit, and she placed hers on top of it, as if silently asking for some sort of comfort. I squeezed it after a second of total catatonic state of mind._

_                "You okay, Steph?"_

_                "Do you think this will make people lose faith in me?"_

_                I looked at her face and saw it had dropped into a frown. I understood what she asking. "…No. If we did, we wouldn't have come to save you. You're the leader, Steph. We all believe in you."_

_                "Believe in me." She repeated, seeming to let that sink in. "Wow."_

_                "And everyone's willing to help you get RAW back – kick Bisch's ass and all." I explained. "At least most of 'em. So don't worry about it, okay? Just rest up and get back quick."_

_                "They said I can leave tomorrow if nothing appears suddenly." She informed._

_                "Well, that's good then. If you want, I'll stay with you and give you a ride then, since it's only a couple hours until morning."_

_                She smiled, real genuinely, and I didn't actually remember the last time I saw her like that, especially towards me. She just looked peaceful for once. "Thank you, Edge.."_

_                And she leaned over the side of the bed and kissed my cheek. I just turned bright red, but smiled despite my chaotic inner thinkings. "…What was that for?"_

_                "For trusting me." She replied, then chuckled a little. "Though I guess this has been a little overdue."_

                And that was it. I didn't continue it, I didn't confess my love…I just left her to sleep and let it end with that one moment for at least that not. It took me a couple hours to get over she had kissed me, even if it was just on the cheek. I didn't expect stuff like that happening. It's morning now – she's signing herself out, so I don't have to keep pretending to be Shane. I've been writing this all down for at least an hour and a half – god knows why. Guess I just needed to tell someone about this, even if it's just writing it in a book to read myself one day.

                One day I will tell her how much she means to me. One day. But not today, because she doesn't need that sort of bullshit. Here's hoping my time to do it is the next century…


End file.
